Keeping it real and tears

 As I think about it more this blog will be informative at times but will honestly be more a journal for me, to track how I am doing and get things out.  If you are here reading, great..I hope you get something out of it.  Leave me a comment so I know you are here.


Anyway, I am struggling this morning.  My last post I wrote how sunday was a rough day physically...today is both. The boys were home yesterday and overall we had a good time....with the usual discussions about chores.  I tried to rest as I could..but it's tricky with them.

My sleep has been off and on.  Two nights ago I woke up at 3 am and then never really got back to sleep. I read, did meditation....I don't know what it was.  Last night was better till early this am when I and the boys (who both crawled in part way through the night) woke up.   Such is life and normal, but my sleep is huge for me.

So, this morning I took it slow..I finished another book, had my green tea and an argument in my head.  Do I do some activity today? Do I not?  My body feels tired but it also feels stiff.  Do I need to re condition myself and do something or should I just rest period???   What is the right thing to do?  This added stress of being my own practitioner and figuring out what to do is stressful in itself. I know nobody knows. I know I could argue both sides...but I want an answer.... I want to know how to fix this to get back to my life.  So, I sat crying beside Dennis before he left for work, having a poor me moment....and decided to try some yoga.

Yoga and meditation felt good....but challenging....it was more an emotional release as I had a couple more cries.  I watch friends doing what I want to do, what I yearn to do....but know I can't

I know I should be grateful for my health otherwise...and I am...but I am also mad and frustrated and want someone to just tell me what to do...how to feel normal again....  Until then I will dry my tears..again....take my vitamins, lean on others (which I feel guilty for) and take it a day at a time.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Accepting help...

Many think since I am off, I must be getting SO much done....sadly no.    When I do have energy I use it to focus on some self care and to get some things done that I normally used to do after 8pm :).  When working things like laundry, paying bills either fell through the cracks or I had to force myself to stay up later and then paid for it later with PEM. I don't mind asking for help typically. I think what's been hard to ask or accept help this time has been that these are things I could do, that I want to do, that ..... My parents have been asking what they could do....  I finally accepted some help with outdoor work.  It feels wrong that my parents were cutting back things, pulling weeds, and cleaning up the outside while I did a bit.  That day I puttered and probably did too much but it felt so weird not to help, not to do very basic thing I could do before.  The guilt is all mine, not from my parents.  They wanted help, offered to help....I ...
Read more

Am I crazy?:) Don't answer that:)

 Some days I think I am going crazy, I wonder how can I feel better yet worse than I was working? How can a morning of tai chi, virutal appointments and watching TV tire me out.  I just went for a short walk to pick up a game at the local library....like 15 minutes round trip and I am tired...like whole body, breathing hard, head pounding and ears ringing with my eyes closed tired.  Some say I am just deconditioned and I probably am...but it's more than that.  I push to what I can but if I over do it (like I may have the past few days/ evenings) I pay for it. How was I working for 7 months like this?? Great question...I was "managing", I was "surviving" but barely. I would get through the day by having an energy drink (that I used to use pre workout) to give me a boost to start, I would get scalp acupuncture from colleagues to help with my brain fog and headaches and fatigue.  I wouldn't go for walks at lunch, or get up and workout in the am like I did befor...
Read more

Post Exertional Malaise (PEM)

Image
 It's been a busy-ish couple of days both emotionally and physically.   Therapy sessions one day, riding a golf cart another, kids home, sick kid, hockey.  These weren't all in one day but spread out over 4 or 5.  A few naps, a few not great sleeps....trying to pace, sometime successfully, sometimes not. I am sitting outside in the sun watching the boys play hockey, wishing I could join them.  Someone walking by would think I am all good, maybe lazy and on my computer.  Really, I am tired, my hands and insides feel shaky, head is pounding, stomach is upset.  If I close my eyes, I spin.  I need to lie down soon.  I have over done it.     I am experiencing PEM or post exertional malaise.  This is common with long haulers....   PEM is defined by the CDC as:  Post-exertional malaise (PEM) is the worsening of symptoms following even minor physical or mental exertion, with symptoms typically worsening 12 to 4...
Read more