Getting out and feeling guilty...sort of

 Dennis decided to take the day off today since he wasn't super busy at work and do something together. When I woke up exhausted this morning I wasn't feelin great.....my body didn't even feel like yoga, let a lone a hike.  (Just typing this makes me cringe and tear up....this is NOT me) .  With buses being cancelled, Dennis drove them and I was able to lie down for a sleep.  

Pre COVID I wasn't a big napper (other than when pregnant..and NO I am not).  I would occasionally but I had too much to do and had a hard to often falling asleep.  Now, when I listen to my body, stop and rest...it's amazing.  As soon as I was in bed and closed my eyes it was like I just sink into it.  I don't know if any of you have ever done reiki or meditation even, but when I close my eyes now and go into the zone or zen or whatever you call it..I see colours, spinning and moving and....it's calming to me (I also did not take any recreational or prescribed drugs:)).  Anyway, when sleeping or just lying down I can often feel my battery recharge.  Waking up I was at maybe 40%...which is good for me lately.

Dennis suggested breakfast at our local diner and golfing.  MAn..it was a beautiful.  I was hesitant....1.  Still feeling low compared to yesterday.  2.  New I couldn't do a full 18 or even 9 holes 3...worried...what would people think....am I allowed to do things when off on STD?  Again..such weird thinking...yes I need to rest and relax but I have to do something....but I don't want people thinking I am milking it, making it up.  

With some coaxing, reassuring we would have a cart and I could just ride a long we went.  It was lovely, fun to spend some time together and get outside.  I did get tired, had a headache for a chunk and my heart rate was all over the place as expected. I had a mini poor me cry at one hole thinking about how I used to walk 18 holes and work out in a day.  After that release I pulled up my big girl pants, thanked the universe for allowing me to enjoy such a beautiful day and moved on.  I didn't do all holes, I drove to my ball each time and I had a nap when I got home. A much needed, wonderful nap.

So, there was some guilt and I may be judged by some but I realize that those who are judging me for enjoying life a bit aren't my friends and don't know me well enough.  The day made me realize I am not ready to go back to work if that exhausted me and it reminded me how nice it is to have quality time with hubby.



OKay...after 8...past my bed time...night all

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